The Internet Ends Here . Com

Many people have read the story about the Internet ending in 2012 because of some crap that ISPs will be pulling on all of us. Let me assure you, this is not true; however, let me also assure you that the Internet will end. The Internet will end in 2009. June 23rd. At 5:38 PM EST.

You might be thinking, "But that's not possible; it's so soon!" or "But I would have known about this if it's going to happen in less than a year!" or "But my girlfriend lives on the internets!" Believe me, I'm just as amazed and on the brink of insanity as you are. With the death of the Internet, I will lose my ability to pretend that I'm reading the news when, in actuality, I'm just craving the warm glow of my screen. Without the Internet, I will actually have to start PAYING for music. I can't walk into a store a steal a few CD's; that would be stealing. I'd have to actually use my hard-earned money (playing poker online... crap, I'd lose my source of income, too) and give it to musicians just to entertain me. Either way, I'd have to start listening to CD's. The sound quality of a CD, compared to mp3s, is horrendous. Also, the pain of picking up a disc that large and putting it into a CD player or a computer is more work than most Americans are exerting in a number of hours these days. If the Internet ends, they'll probably stop playing World of Warcraft and will have to role-play in real life. Not only will the lose weight (thus making the average American citizen healthy, which would mean that psychiatrists, liposuction specialists, and doctors dealing with health issues would earn considerably less money, by which that they would barely be making 200k a year), we would have to witness the onslaught of trolls and orcs on our street, protesting for equal rights, yelling, "We're here, we're trolls, omg hai mom!"

Now that you've seen what could happen if the Internet stopped, you may be asking, "By Jove, how might one 'end' the Internet as we know it?" and "How can we stop this madness?" 300 jokes aside, that would be the general reaction. I can assure you, though, we are too late. There is no longer a way that we will be able to salvage the Internet. A number of ISPs have confirmed that, yes, the Internet will die in the next few years, and by my estimate, that will be next year. Back to the question at hand, though. How might one end the Internet?

As Elton John suggested in his stupendous vocabulary, somebody has to shut down the Internet. “The internet has stopped people from going out and being with each other, creating stuff. Instead they sit at home and make their own records, which is sometimes OK but it doesn’t bode well for long-term artistic vision... Let’s get out in the streets and march and protest instead of sitting at home and blogging. I do think it would be an incredible experiment to shut down the whole internet for five years and see what sort of art is produced over that span."

We must listen to this wise, flamboyant man and learn the enemy's secrets. The Internet keeps us from creating STUFF. That's the main reason that they believe that we must shut down the Internet. We must clog up the series of tubes. Above all, we must not blog about it or use the Internet to communicate our messages. Sir John didn't do it, so neither should we.

Now that we know the motive for shutting down the Internet-the lack of stuff created-we must deduct how companies will implement their plans. I came across top secret documents while Google searching for evidence for my foolproof hypothesis. These documents laid out a plan involving literally clogging up the tubes under the Atlantic Ocean. They would somehow dive into the ocean, open up the Intertube, and deposit literal tons of waste that is not biodegradable, such as plastic and George Michael. Another plan involved cutting holes into the tubes. This would mean that part of the Internet (along with, hopefully, Elton John's website) would leak into the ocean. This way, ISPs will indirectly choose what websites we receive and which ones we don't. This also means that our Internet will be even slower than Virgin Media's current package. However, whoever wrote the document did not consider that both plans would end in unneeded British flamboyance escaping into our beloved oceans that are already dying out.

Neither of said plans would work, though. It would suggest government involvement and we all know that the government is run by people who are computer illiterate. If McCain becomes the next US president (thus signaling the apocalypse), he would not know what to do with the Internet. His policies would not involve anything relevant or useful. Therefore, I concluded that the Internet must be destroyed from the inside.

I realized that people like Elton John are actually working for the unknown Internet haters. Seeing as music and stuff in general is not being created because of the Internet, Elton John must be losing money, hence agreeing to signal the beginning of the end of the Internet. His plan seems strangely planned out. This is uncharacteristically thought through for Elton John. First, he states that he is bisexual, then he marries a German female, and then finally decides that women suck and becomes gay. What's next? Technosexual? Oh wait, he has stated that he is technophobic. But that isn't just. All of a sudden, being homophobic is wrong, but being technophobic is all right. Robots have rights, too.

Anyway, Elton John's uncharacteristically thought through plan gave me the first clue that he is working for somebody. Shutting down the Internet for five years? Isn't that the same amount of time between the albums Songs from the West Coast and The Captain and the Kid, both of which received about 4 stars from Allmusic?

We must not blame Elton John, though. There are a number of Internet haters around the world. My theory is that there are companies that are paying each of these people to write anti-Internet opinions until the general public is no longer fazed by them. They become desensitized to hate and don't pay attention to the frequent rumors of the Internet shutting down, although the information is embedded subconsciously. One day (June 23rd 2009, to be exact), the Internet will shut down and nobody will know how. The "how" is then not an issue because people will not have Wikipedia to search for news about the Internet shutting down. Since the company responsible for this knows that people subconsciously were aware of the inevitable fate, they would expect people to not panic. But they were wrong. Imagine the scene as if from a movie. The camera shows a medium long shot of a suburban street. Then, slowly, obese twenty-five year old men emerge from their parents' basements. They are on a raid. They will, together, hunt down the evil company.

These people will be on OUR streets then. Imagine that sight and then try to tell me that the Internet is evil by keeping them in their mothers' basements.

It is too late, though. The unknown company (it cannot be an ISP company, seeing as they want more customers, not fewer. Killing the Internet will surprisingly hurt ISP companies almost as much as it will hurt doctors) has already embedded the message in our minds and is waiting for the right date (June 23rd 2009) to unveil its plans.

The death of the Internet is imminent. Be ready. Be willing. Stop playing Warcraft and go outside for a walk. Life as you know it will end in less than a year.

May India's IT personnel help us all.

They are incompetent so don't count on it.

The Internet ends in less than a year and you are wasting your precious Internet time speaking to IT people. Idiot.